Day One of many days to come.....

I keep waking up every day thinking today has to be better than yesterday.  But everyday, I realize its not getting any better.  Why can't things be like they once were, easy, happy and carefree?  I took him the rest of his stuff yesterday.  I think he thought I was doing it to be mean or vindictive in some way but actually I was just giving him what he said he wanted.  But what hurt the most is when he accused me of having other motives of going to Lafayette.  I had spent all day helping my parents with their new house and it was hte first chance I had got to take him his stuff.  I wish somehow he could see how much I am hurt and what I would do to make things work between us.  I have spent the last five years with this man, I want no one but him.  I want to have a family with him, grow old with him, spend eternity with him.  I know I have made mistakes and he has as well, but it takes two people to make a relationship.  Its unbelieveable that he is the only thing I can think of during the day and then there are times that I wake up and all I have dreamt of as well, is him.  I want my family back so badly and I have begged and pleaded with him so many times and I never get a response.  I know he is scared and I know he has his guard up, but if he would just give me a chance to show to him what he means to me, I would do anything for that man.  No one is perfect and neither is any relationship, and Lord knows we have been through thick and thin and put through so many tests in the past.  I honestly thought the last time he came home that he was going to get his life together and things were going to change between us.  I have never wanted anything but the best for him and I have never hurt so bad when he has decided to tell me that I just hold him back and he can't do it with me.  I feel that is just an excuse, if he wanted to accomplish anything, he knows I would do anything to help him.  I have in the past done anything I can to be there for him and help him get to where he wanted to be.  I don't know, I don't understand it and probably never will since he won't talk to me about anything that goes on in his life.  I never knew I could miss someone so much though.  And I never knew I would feel the way I do when someone tells you they don't want you......