Quote of the day

So I found a quote today I love.  "People say you don't know what you've got until its gone.  Truth is, you always new knew what you had, you just never thought you would lose it."  And that is 100% correct.  So I text Teddy and I get a response today that first tells me he is at church (which I felt was totally irrelevant) and that it wasn't him that came here and to protect myself.  Ok, which i slept with my gun next to my bed when I did manage to go to sleep this morning.  And then, when I don't respond because I was sleeping, I get another message telling me he hopes I didn't take the message the wrong way.  I tell him I didn't and thats cool.  Then I get another message telling me that he is trying to show concern (which I feel like you shouldn't have to try to "show" concern, either you are concerned or you aren't) and then tells me that I obvioulsy have a lot of anger towards him and he is trying to let his anger towards me go.  No one said I was angry, I am hurt, sad, and depressed.  I tell him this and the only response he has is that he is sorry I feel that way.  If i was so angry with him, I would not be begging him to work things out and make them right.  I would not care that he wasn't here and that he didn't want me.  I think he thinks that with enough time we are going to be cool and friends or something, but that is not going to be possible for me.  I can't sit here and act like his friend when I still have all these emotions and feelings for him.  And someday, when someone else comes along that does want me, I am not going to be friends with my ex.  He would have not wanted me to be friends with an ex so I can't be friends with him and be with someone else.  He seems very confused and I know part of him has to miss me and care about me, but obvioulsy that is not enough for him.  I keep thinking that the next day when I get up this will be easier or not so hard to accept nad deal with,......it hasn't thus far but I guess there is always tomorrow.

Totally freaked out!

So I am officially freaked out!  I decided to rent Bridesmaids, since everyone said it was hilarious and I need a smile in my life right now.  So it is less than half way through and my stomach has hurt all day so I went the bathroom.  As soon as I get in there, Indigo starts going nuts.  Normally that is a sign one of neighbors are home but considering it was almost midnight, they don't normally come home that late.  So then all of a sudden the doorbell rings.  My gun was in my truck so I couldn't even get to it without walking right in front of the window.  By the time I get out of the bathroom, I look outside and there is no person and no vehicle outside.  Considering Teddy hasn't said anything to me, I don't think that is was him, but if it was it says a lot.  For him to come all the way out here and if it was, he obvioulsy was not on bullshit because whoever it was only rang the doorbell once.  It scares me though becuase the only people that know where my house is my mom and dad and grandparents and Teddy, so that pretty much sums up who it was.  Or some creep....thats why I was so scared.  But the more I think about it, I guess it had to have been Teddy.  Once again, I probably fucked up.  I am sure if it was him, now he has all sorts of crazy thoughts in his head of why I didn't answer the door or what I was doing.  Here I am, sitting alone like I do every weekend, and he may have been here.  I am so confused and so torn and I feel like I mess up everything possible..........I don't even do it on purpose. 

Day One of many days to come.....

I keep waking up every day thinking today has to be better than yesterday.  But everyday, I realize its not getting any better.  Why can't things be like they once were, easy, happy and carefree?  I took him the rest of his stuff yesterday.  I think he thought I was doing it to be mean or vindictive in some way but actually I was just giving him what he said he wanted.  But what hurt the most is when he accused me of having other motives of going to Lafayette.  I had spent all day helping my parents with their new house and it was hte first chance I had got to take him his stuff.  I wish somehow he could see how much I am hurt and what I would do to make things work between us.  I have spent the last five years with this man, I want no one but him.  I want to have a family with him, grow old with him, spend eternity with him.  I know I have made mistakes and he has as well, but it takes two people to make a relationship.  Its unbelieveable that he is the only thing I can think of during the day and then there are times that I wake up and all I have dreamt of as well, is him.  I want my family back so badly and I have begged and pleaded with him so many times and I never get a response.  I know he is scared and I know he has his guard up, but if he would just give me a chance to show to him what he means to me, I would do anything for that man.  No one is perfect and neither is any relationship, and Lord knows we have been through thick and thin and put through so many tests in the past.  I honestly thought the last time he came home that he was going to get his life together and things were going to change between us.  I have never wanted anything but the best for him and I have never hurt so bad when he has decided to tell me that I just hold him back and he can't do it with me.  I feel that is just an excuse, if he wanted to accomplish anything, he knows I would do anything to help him.  I have in the past done anything I can to be there for him and help him get to where he wanted to be.  I don't know, I don't understand it and probably never will since he won't talk to me about anything that goes on in his life.  I never knew I could miss someone so much though.  And I never knew I would feel the way I do when someone tells you they don't want you......